Worthless

Why do I shake at the sound of your voice?

You give me a feeling of no self worth.

Why do I feel so worthless when you’re near?

Hate is all that I hear…

It silences my mind.

But why do I need to feel that you love me?

When all that I have is scarred memories of a dark childhood looking up to every aspect of you.

Why do you pity me Father?

Or am I the exact same child that your Father destroyed…

I can’t erase all our memories.

They eat away at my emotions,

Every fucking day!

I can't hide anymore Father.

You’ve ruined me…

Our relationship will never be anything more than a sinking ship.

No anchors…

Just a sinking wreckage.

I drown…

You will never see me again.

Don’t dive in after me,

Because I will never be worth the love of being in your arms.

Just let me down Father, it’s what you do best.

I bet your Father was the same.

It’s funny how you follow in your Father’s foot steps.

Well I’m certainly not.

I will leave this world before my children ever experience the worthless Father figure you were to me.

I’m not coming back Father…

I hope you look back on what we could have been.

I certainly do.

Every night as my eyes darken the pain.

Slowly dying as I fall asleep…

Sunsets

My great friend and lover Lily Dowling asked me to write her a song.
So this is it.
My song for you babe. (:


You are something that cannot be explained,
Like a shooting star soaring through the sky.
This feeling will never last for just one night,
My love for you will never be just black and white.
So tell me baby,
Does this feel just right?
Because this distance is eating away at me inside.
Please, oh please, wait for me…


How does it feel, to know that I,
Always loved you.
(Please don’t let me go!) x3


I wish I could sleep forever,
Because dreaming of you, is all I can do, to bring our love to life.
One night stands and foolish words only sink my pain deeper inside.
I need to believe you might feel the same tonight.
So tell me baby,
Are you really worth giving my all for?
Will I leave this world knowing that I did all I could to make you mine?
Tears and wine, just to pass the time…


How does it feel, to know that I,
Always loved you.
(Please don’t let me go!) x3


Don’t let our love fade away…
(Like sunsets!) x5


How does it feel, to know that I,
Always loved you.
(Please don’t let me go!) x3


Please don’t let us go…

Is Fighting For Change Really Worth It?

In this world, what’s left worth fighting for!?

Drowning the disease seems so difficult and miserable.

Why can’t we see past the digital lies?

When will this race be woken up and see what I despise?

We might be getting older but we’re not getting wiser.

The world might be changing but I still see disaster.

So swallow your pride because your ego is worthless…

In the end!

I see the shadows, clouding our judgement.

I see the serpent, of your delusional, holy way…

Of life!

Why can’t we end this way of living?

Why does wearing your heart on your sleeve, only end in…

Misery!

I hope one day, before the sun rises,

You all wake up from your selfish dreams and see the world for what it really is.

And in that day…

I will stand with YOU!

The Fallen

We all want to be just like you, Another selfish, ignorant, disgrace.
Someone to look up too.
What you see in the mirror can’t be wrong,
Because being you must feel so right.
Someone with all the friends,
Someone with all the power.

Your dilusioned dream will only last so long.

You will never see who you really are,
Until you fall.
I hope you fall,
To the sunset of no tomorrow.

Tell me how you see yourself?
Because to me you will always be one of the fallen.

The world you live in,
The world you see others in,
Will always be an illusion of your arrogance.

You don’t deserve affection.

Greed, power and selfishness,
Can only get you so far in this life.

So breathe the sigh of regret.
I hope that’s what you only breathe,
Until your memory is forgotten in this world.
I hope one day you see the light.
Instead of being a slave like everyone else in this world.

Like you,
One of the fallen.

Let Love Bleed

Hang up the phone.
Don’t disturb me anymore.
You may have the best intentions,
But I’m sick of it all.
Even the beautiful things,
Like your smile and laughter,
Causes pain that sends me to my knees.

Slowly I watch you drift away.
Out of sight,
Out of mind.

Even with my head smashing against the bricks,
You somehow have yourself swallowed deep inside me.
And with every breath I consume,
I consume more of you.

Now I understand why lovers bleed.
Why don’t you let me love again?
When will I be free of this sickness?
How do you live knowing I’m not fine?

I swear some days I want to die.
I swear some days I wish I didn’t have to lie.
Please give me a sign to why I feel so empty inside.
Let me rise up and break free of the chains inside my mind.
Let love prosper instead of lingering on.

I want you free from me.

Be the devil inside my head no more.

I want to love again.

Let my dreams take over,
So I can see the world where I belong.
A world I never knew,
A world without you…

Hate After Love

Today I decided to put up some things that I’ve written over the last few months. I really need to start blogging more again…

This is a song that I came up with about a month ago. It’s not fully finished but I thought I’d put it up anyway (:

Just think for a second,
What you’ve done to me.
What’s your reason, what’s your reason?
For destroying me!
Did you even give a fuck at all!
Dreams of you are never the same,
After you came and took them away.
My life is not yours to demise,
So take a second,
And re think back to where we were before…


When did you ever become so fucking cold!
When did your love ever sink so fucking low!
How do you sleep?
When my whole world is crashing down…

Death Before Life

Rest my lover, rest.
The skies will decipher what mood you will have next.
Please, oh please! Wake from this hell of a place.
The angels in your head have lost all faith in you.
Why, oh why! Do you shake at the sound of my voice?
These emotions we call love, you throw away with haste.
Breathe, please breathe! My love for you again.
My dear, don’t let darkness be your friend.
Your mind, your soul, your spirit…
Let everything be free!
Don’t let death be your final solace in this world.
Sacrifice the demons in your head.
Let the angels find faith in you again.
Please, oh please! Make it to the other side of dawn.
May my love lead you past the light…

My Life, My Beliefs, My World, My Existence

Venturing into the unknown is what we as humans fear most. Fear of death is the most feared unknown that humans dwell upon.
Death has never been a fear for me.
Since an early age, death in my minds conscience never seemed to be the end.
I now believe, as I’ve gotten older, that death to me is an end of one existence on this Earth. Which is really just a state of mind – everything is a state of mind.
The key is to unlock your minds true power and understand and visualise the state of mind you want to see yourself in.

Reality to me is only what you believe to be ‘real’. What we believe to be real is only a state of mind. Our eyes and our emotions decipher what makes us believe ‘what is real’ and what is not.
In reality our human form is made up like robots. We may call ourselves as human beings: “all individuals” but really we aren’t. The genes that we inherit from our parents make up our make up (emotions, actions, speech, walk, etc.). Opening our minds and seeing past the world that we live in is how we define ourselves as ‘individuals’.

Humans also seem throughout their lives to want to find a ‘paradise’ or a place described like ‘heaven’ in most worldly religions. Life after death is so important to people and that’s what makes Christianity look so fine and dandy with their amazing outlook on what life after death is in heaven (If you be a good little boy or girl and confess your sins though haha).
I think life after death will be whatever you make it. With how I perceive ‘life’ at the moment, I will be able to dream my own existence, if that’s the right word for it. As I see it in this life, if you have a positive attitude and hope for the best in everything you do, you will get what you want. Your state of mind propels what the outcome of the situation will be. If you feel nervous and not confident when trying to get something, most likely you won’t get it because of your mind set.

If you ever meet me in real life you probably will think I don’t practice what I preach but I am trying to become a more confident and happier person. My state of mind is clear; I just need to propel that state onto my actions.

Your state of mind is whatever you make it, (as I expressed before) and is very important in dreaming. I know from personal experience that if I concentrate on something long and hard enough I can visualise it in my dream world. It seems as though I can only dream about it if I have no other distractions before I go to sleep because I normally go to sleep listening to my iPod but then I never seem to dream what I want to dream. But with total silence before I go to sleep I can visualise anything before I am about to enter the dream world and most times I can dream what I visualise before I go to ‘sleep’.

I think I have found a state of peace in my mind. I know what I want and I know that I would do anything for the people that I love. But I also know that I have to be selfish in some ways to be who I want to be in this world and hurting people may be the cause of that. I know I have to stay true to myself because who I am is who I have to be to survive in this world and then one day hopefully leave it feeling at peace with my mind and spirit.

Believe in yourself, your morals, your faith, your conscience.
Never conform, never regret, stay true to yourself, never fear the unknown and always walk with the people that you love (:

-End Ramble.

Enslaved Mind

I don’t think I am very good at song writing. But It’s one of the elements in my life that makes me think about the world and the open mind you have to take to survive in it.

Downbeat! Oh!


I’m lost and incomplete.
Give me solace! To see past the light.
Dreams will be dreamed.
My spirit will not be redeemed.
So give me strength, cause’ all I can see is white…


Fight my demons!
What’s my existence?
Set me free!


Give me something, something to believe in.
I will not live a lie!
The truth will – SET ME FREE!
Oh!


So let’s go on in silence.
Tongues tangled, minds mangled.
This world’s a prison


PLEASE SET ME FREE!

You and Me, Or Just a Tragedy?

Restless words, annotations burn red.
Carving our names on a tree is what they said.
Lost memories, ignorance is bliss.
But Your smile is what I miss.
Seeming less desires turn into addiction.
Til lies are uncovered and hearts break into affliction.
You say it was just for fun, that no harm was done.
But tell me, do You feel like you have won?
So here I stand now, asking myself…
Was it really worth it?

Me And You Baby

I wrote this for my girlfriend Tiffany.
I'm a lame boyfriend i know haha.

When I first met you
I didn’t want to forget you
When I first held you
I always wanted to feel you
When we first kissed
Your lips were always missed


When we first laughed together
I just wanted to laugh forever and ever
When we first found love between each other
I wanted to be with no other


When we are together
Our love feels like forever
When we are fighting
I feel like we clash like lightning
But then I realise our love for each other is everlasting


I may not be Eminem, Jack Johnson or even Chris Martin
But I am here to love you beyond what your askin’
Your beautiful soul will always be in my heart
Because to me you’re a work of fine art


Love has never been so real now that I’ve found you,
So let’s stay together forever,
Until we are too old to move.

Hope everyone had a nice christmas (:

Merry Christmas!

And let's all be fake and love everyone for a day. (:
Another Blink 182 song to get us into the Christmas Spirit.

Won't Be Home For Christmas:

(Deck the halls with boughs of holly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)
(Tis the season to be jolly fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la)


Outside the carolers start to sing
I can't describe the joy they bring
Cause joy is something they don't bring me


My girlfriend is by my side
From the roof are hanging sickles of ice
Their whiny voices get irritating
It's Christmas time again


So I stand with a dead smile on my face
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste
Oh God I hate these Satan's helpers


And then I guess I must have snapped
Because I grabbed a baseball bat
And made them all run for shelter


It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone.


Well I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve
Cause the cops came and arrested me
They had an unfair advantage


And even though the jail didn't have a tree
Christmas came a night early
Causes a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package (hot damn)


I's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer
You people scare me
Please stay away from my home
If you don't wanna get beat down
Just leave the presents and then leave me alone


I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas (please post my bail)
I won't be home
I won't be home for Christmas


Everyone have a great day and have an amazing new year (:
Love James.

Christmas Eve (Which was really yesterday)

I was meant to put this up last night but i was to busy soo fuck it we are going back in time (:
To celebrate, we need a good old christmas classic to get us in the mood.
Blink 182 you brought the words right out of my mouth.
haha (:

Happy Holidays, You Bastard!

It's christmas eve and I've only wrapped two fuckin' presents
It`s christmas eve and I've only wrapped two fuckin' presents
And I hate, hate, hate your guts,
I hate, hate, hate your guts,
And I'll never talk to you again,
unless your dad will suck me off
I'll never talk to you again
unless your mom will touch my cock
I'll never talk to you again
ejaculate into a sock
I'll never talk to you again,
I'll never talk to you again


It's Labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fuckin' hot dogs
It`s Labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fuckin' hot dogs
and he shit shit shit in his pants.
He always fuckin' shits in his pants
And I'll never talk to you again
unless your dad will suck me off
I'll never talk to you again
unless your mom will touch my cock
I'll never talk to you again
ejaculate into a sock
I'll never talk to you again,
I'll never talk to you again

Merry Christmas :D

This Is The End Of The World...

This is an actual dream that I had a few months back.

I exaggerated bits of it but from what I can remember most of the facts happened in my dream and I did feel in my dream the way I felt when I wrote this.
Maybe the world will end like this one day.


As the night breaks,
And the world falls,
I see humans gasping for the final moments of life.
I see animals searching for a place to hide,
Scenting something is wrong,
But not knowing what is about to occur.

The clouds bind together,
Forming as one in an illusion of darkness that surrounded the world.
The world shakes,
But why do I feel calm?

Humans and animals screaming in agony around me,
The world diminishing at my feet.
Am I a god of this world?
Why do I feel like I am the result of this chaos?

I feel fire surround me,
It burns the flesh of the humans around me,
But I do not get burnt.

I feel no pity,
No reconciliation.
Humans were always one day going to be the death of their own demise.
But why do I stand here free and clean of the human disease?

I stand here as not someone of the fallen.
I am free...

Distractions

I haven't posted a blog in agesssssssss!

I don't know if it's because i've been to busy or i'm just lazy these days haha.

Anyway i think i might post some up tonight that i wrote months ago, wherever they are (:

Two sleeps till Christmas! :D

Colourblind

Schools over for another term and holidays are now beginning. I feel as though the year has still only just started. This year for me has gone so quick. Feels like the fastest year I have ever lived. I have now finished year 11 and next term I will be starting year 12. The reality of it all hasn’t even kicked in. I just finished my last year 11 exams today. I feel as though I went pretty average in all my exams and I was lazy and hardly studied. I know what I want, and I know what I have to achieve to get what I want. But always when I get to the moment where I need to deliver and succeed, I fail. I don’t fail because I don’t have the intelligence and knowledge to succeed, it’s because I don’t have the will power and determination to succeed. I have always been a self-conscious person and not very confident with myself but this last year I have noticed that it is really my ultimate downfall. If I was a more confident person I would achieve greater success in my life and ultimately be a better social person which I lack greatly. Because I’m not very confident with myself and I like being by myself, is the main reason why I spend most weekends at home which is pretty sad really. My early New Year’s resolution is to be a more social person and be more confident with myself. The closest people in my life say I am a “beautiful person that needs to show the world how great I am” (not trying to sound up myself). Of course being the person I am I don’t see that within myself, but I really don’t want to be that person sitting at the back of the crowd anymore. It’s going to be probably the hardest challenge in my life because I am who I am, but this little part of me I want to change, because I know it will change me for the better.

Another thing that is troubling me when I think to myself tonight is that I have this feeling of that I’m not complete. Something is missing inside of me. I don’t know what it is. But the last few days I get this feeling when I think of everything in my life and it makes me anxious and gives me this sick feeling inside like I’m guilty of something or I have something to hide. It’s troubling me a lot. Whatever this feeling is it seems to be taking control of me. For instance when I was with my girlfriend yesterday I just suddenly got really frustrated and angry and ended up taking it out on her ending in a silly fight that meant nothing. I don’t even know why I was frustrated and angry but it just built up inside of me and I only really let out a quarter of that anger out. I think I just don’t let out my feelings enough. Then they build up like a bottle inside of me and then I either have days where I don’t talk to anyone and write about it to myself or I take it out on my parents or people closest to me like my girlfriend. I hope whatever this is that it goes away because I have great things to look forward to in the next couple of weeks.

On a happier note I have exciting things to look forward to like I said. I’m going to Melbourne on Tuesday to stay at my aunties for a night and on the Wednesday going into the city to see ‘One Day In Pompey’. Shall be good. I will be studying it in Ancient History next year so it will give me a good outlook because I really don’t know much about it.
Thennnnnnn! On Wednesday night I fly out from Melbourne at 11pm or something to go to Vietnam for 12days :D I can’t wait! I have never been overseas before. I wasn’t really excited about going at all last week but now that I have seen a few pictures from people that have gone there, it looks really nice. I will put heaps of pictures up when I come back and write about what we did. (We* my parents and I).

P.S - I love tiffany :)

Life, But Not As We Know It...

Life at the moment is the best it’s been in a long time for me.

A major contributor to this is my girlfriend Tiffany. She is amazing and I am absolutely in love with her like I have never loved someone so much before. I am finally with a girl that is my best friend and my girlfriend at the same time. My life is so much happier because of her.

School life lately has been stressful but good. Its keeping me busy and not bored on MySpace or MSN like I used to spend my time doing most nights. Strangely enough I don’t even miss going on the internet. It bores me now and I see now how fake some of the people are that are on those kinds of sites.

Almost beginning my final year 11 exams, then year 12 starts next term. Wow, that’s gone so fast. Feels like this year has been the fastest year I have lived through. Maybe its because I am a lot busier. Also means that soon I can get my P’s :) and then these holidays I am going to Vietnam with my parents. Should be interesting. Mum said it would be a “good cultural experience for me". I suppose it will be interesting to go to the war memorials and witness the Vietnam culture. It’s my first time overseas too so its going to be a lot to take in. We are going on a 12 day tour I think, hope there’s no annoying people with us.

Also because I am going to Vietnam I had to get needles for Hepatitis B and some other thing. I hadn’t had a needle since I was like 10 and I was actually nervous before getting it which is pretty pussy of me really. But it didn’t hurt so it was a bit of a let down when I hyped myself up so much for it and then it didn’t even hurt. But now a couple of hours after it being injected into my system I now feel an ache running down my shoulder and elbow.

Oh well, a lot more people in this world are suffering right now in their lives more than I ever probably will.
Looking at misfortunate people and low class societies around the world make me feel so lucky to be a human being living in Australia without any health problems and so far not a worry in my life.
Makes you not take life for granted I suppose. But I can honestly say I am not afraid of dying and leaving this world because then all my questions will be answered.

The Fallen and The Unknown

The undeniable truth.
The ignorance of the blinded.
The blinded that make up the millions
The millions that are one of the fallen.

The fallen humans that have preached and driven their lives by the one scripture that they perceive and think to have all the answers.
The Bible.

The Bible is the most well known book in the world and is translated in many different languages around the world. But to me the Bible is probably the biggest lie of our human race. Yet, so many millions of people believe every word of it.
To me the Bible is just many fables and myths handed down over the ages and then written down and printed in a book for people to live their lives by. It is sad to see so many people waste their lives following the guidelines and so called “Rules to live your life by”. Thinking, that they will go to some amazing paradise called ‘Heaven’ where they will be re-united with their friends and family who have past away and have ‘apparently’ also gone to this final resting place.


Then I think and wonder,
How did all this happen?
How did this world begin and how did this universe form?
I wonder how man was made and/or have we just evolved from an animal like evolutionists believe. (Obviously being very broad here).
I do believe there is something out there.
I do believe there is something out there more powerful than us and this so called ‘World’.
But I’m not sure if it is a 'god figure' like many religions believe.
I mean how could one individual (or however he or she is known as) named god created the universe and all that is contained within it.
But then again how could you go off the evolutionists theory that one enormous scientific bang happened and the whole universe just miraculously formed. (Also being very broad again).


It’s a puzzling subject that I don’t think anyone will ever completely know what’s ever true.
But when it comes down to it I also believe like stated in the novel An Imaginary Life by David Malouf, that the Bible and the fables of the universe are, “Myths and stories dreamed up by the humans of our world over time”.


When I am more knowledgeable on religions and evolution I will write another blog about this.
(:

Never Let This Go...

This was my attempt at writing a song/poetry. It’s about me and my girlfriend Tiffany…

When I look into your eyes
I see no lies.
I know your love for me is true,
And I’m just glad I gave you my love before it was overdue.
Lets be together forever,
Like our very own fairytale.
Lets write our own pages,
Lets not be another one of those teenage love rages.

Our love is true baby,
And no one is going to become between me and you.
Even when our darkest days together might feel so blue,
Just know that I am by your side and I will always be your sunrise till our love is soaring to the moon.

Pretty lame but it only took me a few minutes to create it.
When I’m more pro ill put some more up.
(:

An Imaginary Life...

This is just a few sections (and a few bits added by me) from the book An Imaginary Life by David Malouf. I am studying this book in English at school and I am enjoying it because it steps past the boundaries of normal thinking about the world and the way other people see it.
It’s a good book to read so far if you like a book where you have to see past the words on the page and find the hidden meaning within them. If you like that sort of thing, go out and read it sometime :)
As I keep reading the book I will put more writings on here…


We as humans only know landscapes that have been shaped for centuries to the idea we all carry in our souls of that ideal scene against which our lives should be played out.
Do you all think of your place in the world as a place given to you by a god or gods, ready made in all its placid beauty? It is not. It is a created place. If a god/gods is with you in your place it is because you have discovered them their, drawn them up out of your souls need for them and dreamed them into the landscape that they shine. We have dreamed sprits, angels, gods, devils into our lives. They are ourselves. The Bible is ancient myths and stories dreamed up by humans of our world.


The spirits and gods of the world have to be recognised to become real. They are not outside us, nor even entirely within, but flow back and forth between us and the objects we have made and the landscape we have shaped. We have dreamed all these things in our deepest lives and they are ourselves. It is our self that we are making out there, and when the landscape is complete we shall have become the gods who are intended to fill it…

Human Beings Are A Disease, A Cancer Of This Planet...

Our hearts desires.
Our mornings grace.
Our kingdom we seek.
Our salvation we plead.
Our vast love for power.
Our love for others misfortune.
Our desire for there to be always an answer.
Our changing ways that end up not changing us at all.
Our search for something bigger in the universe than ourselves.
Our search for the answer.
Our search for the explanation.
Our ignorance of the weak and helpless.
Our blinded minds and eyes of how religion controls the lives of the believers.
Our forever search for love.
Our search for that one person that will complete our heart and soul.
Our desire for love so deeply that it ends up being our greatest downfall.
Our desire to live forever.
Our fear of death.


But what is ‘forever’?
Is there really such thing as death or is it just a state of mind?
Or is it just another passage in our lives?
Sometimes I wonder if our world or our lives is just like a matrix.
That everything around us isn’t real and is only a state of mind.
If it was then I should be Neo because my last name is Anderson and that would be cool :)

Anyway,
I suppose no one is ever going to know the answers until they ‘die’ and then those answers are only known to the dead.

Time Is Everything…

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...

I sit here listening to Eminem’s new album which is really good btw…
But on a more serious note.
I sit here thinking to myself, its amazing how people walk in and out of your life.
I mean one minute you think you have it all.
The girlfriend, the best mates and finally your family is getting along with each other.
But then it all changes.
The girlfriend that you thought was amazing and the only one for you turns out to be a selfish bitch that really can’t handle the pain when things get a little difficult
The best mates find other mates and don’t value you as much as what you thought you meant to them.
The family that says they want “what’s best for you” has no bloody idea who you really are. “What’s best for you”. Biggest hypocritical statement I have ever heard.
No one should be the judge of “what’s best for you” or anyone for that matter.
Most of this isn’t actually my personal experiences; it’s just what I perceive to be happening around me in my life and others.
It’s funny how things can change in an instant.
Over time I think I do believe in karma.
Because I have done things that I thought I would just get away with, no one will ever know. But in the end, it all comes out.
And then I’m left with picking up the pieces and dealing with the consequences of my actions.
Over the last month I have looked at my self and gone.
What the fuck are you doing with your life James, and look how you’re affecting other peoples lives.
I have taken a lot of things for granted in the last few years.
Firstly,
My Parents:
God they piss me off and annoy the shit out of me but they really do do so much for me. They give me anything someone my age would ever need. But material objects can only go so far. Because they still don’t fully understand who I really am. And most of the time I don’t really want them to know who I really am because that’s not what they want me to be. But anyway you all have heard that crap before so ill move on haha.
My Friends:
I have some of the best mates that have been in my life since I was very young and the memories I have had with those people are memories that I will never forget. But now most of those friends have moved on with their lives. Some gone to different schools, some gone out to work, some I have no idea where they are now. And now I am faced with making new friends, new school, and new experiences. So far I have met some of the best people around Albury, but I think I’m yet to really call them my friends. But that’s what I mean; you never know when your life’s going to change. My life now is basically starting again, a new chapter in my life. But I wouldn’t go back to my old life for anything.
The Girlfriend:
Well girlfriends with me are like a fat person and cake, there not going to last for very long. Haha I made that up, well I thought it was funny >.<
Anyway…
I don’t know what is with me and girlfriends, but they never last.
Usually the reasons are that I like that girl more than what she likes me and I get sick of feeling second best. Or I find a girl that I’ve liked for a week or so and you rush into a relationship and then find out they weren’t really the amazing person you thought they were and you break up. Or they just usually get sick of me after a while and give me the flick.
So as things have changed over time I now have a different view on women my age.
Women my age are usually just wanting someone to muck around with or they are looking for a serious relationship with a guy that will always be there for them.
I want to be that guy that they can be with and will always be there for them.
I want a girl that has a serious side and a funny side. I want a girl that will acknowledge the things I do for them, I know that sounds selfish of me but I have been with to many girls that seem to don’t care one bit if you say something nice about them when it’s a big thing for a guy to have the courage to say things like that to a girl. I want a girl to know that when I say those three words of I Love You that I truly mean those three words and they don’t come out to often so you must be someone very special. And most of all I just want a girl that I can spend time with and be ourselves together. I want a girl to be my girlfriend and my best friend. Personality overcomes looks for me. But all these attributes are very rare to find in a girl.
I have found although someone that is pretty close to all these things and I hope one day I can be with her and create memories that we can look back on forever (:

All in all my life has a new beginning.
Im creating new friendships
Finding new loves
But my family is still the same haha.

Oh well I suppose life wasn’t meant to be perfect…

Lover's Requiem

The perfect words never crossed my mind because there was nothing in their but you.
Hold me close now cause I need you to guide me to safety.
No, I won’t wait forever.
You are my hearts desire.
Gotta see you one last night.
Give me just something to hold onto.
You are all that I have.
Your like a broken arrow through my heart.
But under your skin feels like home.
There is darkness deep in you.
I just keep hopeing that your heart opens to me.
I want someone like you that’s pure than water.
Are you beginning to get my point?
You are the only thing to me that seems to make sense.
I’m gasping for the air that you make me breathless with tonight.
Is it to late to remind you what you mean to me?
You have made me happier than I’ve been by far.
And for the tiniest moment I wonder why it’s true.
Then I think, all I want is you.
Even if you cannot hear my voice.
I’ll be right beside you to stay,
Forever…

When I Quest My Flashing Sword And My Hand Takes Hold Of Judgement, I Will Take Vengance Upon Mine Enemies And I Will Have Paid Those Who Haze Me!

A mood of self pity.
Is what clouds my head.
On this dismal day.
Woke with a sickness.
A sickness that is unknown to me.
I do not know if it is a sickness that is harming my body, or this is a sickness that is eating away into my mind.
Whatever it may be, it’s feeding off me!
It’s hungry for my happiness.
Nothing on this day seems bright.
I just want to leave this state of mind.
And fall asleep into a dream world.
A dream world where there’s no worries or disappointment.
Pretty much the opposite of the world we all live in.
People say you create your own life, you make your own decisions.
Well not when you’re under the control of someone else!
And then the control slowly kills you like the disease that is eating away at me.
Until you can’t take anymore and your faced with two choices:
Live through the pain and suffering?
Or
Die and leave it all behind.
At this moment I choose life.
But there’s times where one more step.
And there will be no tomorrow.
I say to the ones that have caused this sickness and pain.
I hope you rote your worthless souls in hell!
I hope you feel even a small taste of pain that you put upon me!
I will never, I mean NEVER!
Forgive you for what you did to me.
So go on with your lives.
Forget what ever happened.
You fucking cowards!
Your weak!
I’ll never forget your faces.
I dream about killing you all.
Your faces of pain and suffering.
I see the light being taken from your eyes.
I would rip your fucking hearts out and cut through them with a knife.
And you know what I see when I cut your hearts open?
Your fresh blood running black.
I hope you remember what you did to me.
I hope those memories stay and torture your mind in the depths of hell!

Bleed oh’ enemies.
And die thou legacies.
Your lives will never be forgotten.
But will never be forgiven.
Hell will be your final burial ground.
Oh and how sweet revenge is…

We Cannot Breathe From Your, Choking Hands...

Just me having a ramble ;D

The music deafens all sound.
But doesn’t silence the thoughts in my head.
I wonder sometimes what everyone is living for?
I certainly don’t know what I’m living for.
I wonder how everyone goes on living out their lives day after day doing the same things and seeing the same people.
But for what purpose?
I myself live everyday like the previous day.
I don’t have a purpose, I don’t see beyond the horizon.
My life although has an expectation to have a purpose.
My life is meant to be of another James Anderson.
And for most of my life that is who I’ve become.
A person that has been living the life of what my parent’s perceive that I should be.
Someone that does the right thing, someone that never steps a foot wrong.
Well I can tell you now I am not that little boy you still want me to be.
You hardly even know your own son!
I am nothing, NOTHING like you both.
You don’t have the right to create my life, my destiny.
You think you can control me?
You think you can control a human bean that you don’t even really know the true self of.
Haha! You better just think again.
My future is in my own hands.
My hands will be nailed and crucified on a cross before you have that power.
This James Anderson is going to create his own destiny.
I do not believe in having a purpose in life because I believe it controls who we are, but whatever my so called “purpose” is, it will not be in your hands, you will never have the power to control what my future will be.
I am not going to be just someone that goes on through life pleasing others
And especially not pleasing YOU!
You think you know what’s best for me?
You think you have this little made up world of what life should be about.
That little made up world is what you perceive the “right” thing to do in life, what the “right” person should be like.
I am not that “right person” that you want me to be.
I do not believe in the word “right”
I mean what is “right”?
Being “right” to me is just being like everyone else in this world.
Being a slave in our own mind.
Doing what someone else considers you should be like.
I can tell you now that I am never going to be what you or society considers for me to be, the “right” James Anderson.
We are all slaves in this world in our own identity.
It is only the very few individuals that break free of their chains and escape into the real world of who they really are.
Not the world of how society perceives everyone to be.
Our world that we live in is such a world of false images of who people are really not.
We all look up to the people that have that famous image.
What about the people in this world that are actually doing something to change you blinded people that worship materialistic objects and your precious famous stars.
What have really most famous stars done in their lives to make the world better?
Nothing!
Except the select few that don’t value money over the world.
Which most of us all run our lives by, money.
But even if these amazing famous stars do something good for the world, most of it seems fake to me.
It’s just for them to get more famous and for you pathetic people that want to be like them to throw more money into their big bank accounts.
Makes me sick how fake some people are.
But Hey! If anyone actually read any of this their probably thinking to themselves, this guy is the biggest hypocrite!
Well I don’t care what you think.
I bet all that I’ve written resembles your pathetic life.
As you go on day by day pleasing others and presenting a fake image of your true self to your friends because you think society will like you better for it.
I used to be just like you all, that’s how the other James Anderson lived his life.
He is now dead.
His blood has run black, his heart is a dying rose and now the real James Anderson has picked off all those dying petals of his life and thrown the soul of the fake James Anderson into the Abyss.
The real James Anderson now will full fill the destiny that is put forth.
I am re-born.
The path is left unknown.
But the person that I have become will never let the path control what I am about to become…

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows...

My first blog entry (:
Pretty lame but it's how i feel atm.
I wrote this in class today at school looking out at the stormy sky...

The sky is clouded with darkness,
The darkness fills the cold air,
The air i breathe turns my soul cold,
I want to get out of this place.
I want to go to a place where the sky is blue,
Where the world is happy,
Where the world doesn't feel so blue,
I know this place is out there, somewhere.
I know everyone around me is searching for this place,,
I know everyday of their lives, like i do, they put on that face.
The face of false happiness, that everythings okay,
The face that tells everyone that they're trying to escape their world, their reality they live in by putting on that face,
Their mask will only last so long.
No one can live on with false morals and fake identities.
One day i hope i find this world, my place, my happiness, whatever that is.
Because this world, this life, that i am in, is suffocating me!
My Parents SUFFOCATE ME!
This place better find me soon,
Or all my hopes will be lost...