Colourblind

Schools over for another term and holidays are now beginning. I feel as though the year has still only just started. This year for me has gone so quick. Feels like the fastest year I have ever lived. I have now finished year 11 and next term I will be starting year 12. The reality of it all hasn’t even kicked in. I just finished my last year 11 exams today. I feel as though I went pretty average in all my exams and I was lazy and hardly studied. I know what I want, and I know what I have to achieve to get what I want. But always when I get to the moment where I need to deliver and succeed, I fail. I don’t fail because I don’t have the intelligence and knowledge to succeed, it’s because I don’t have the will power and determination to succeed. I have always been a self-conscious person and not very confident with myself but this last year I have noticed that it is really my ultimate downfall. If I was a more confident person I would achieve greater success in my life and ultimately be a better social person which I lack greatly. Because I’m not very confident with myself and I like being by myself, is the main reason why I spend most weekends at home which is pretty sad really. My early New Year’s resolution is to be a more social person and be more confident with myself. The closest people in my life say I am a “beautiful person that needs to show the world how great I am” (not trying to sound up myself). Of course being the person I am I don’t see that within myself, but I really don’t want to be that person sitting at the back of the crowd anymore. It’s going to be probably the hardest challenge in my life because I am who I am, but this little part of me I want to change, because I know it will change me for the better.

Another thing that is troubling me when I think to myself tonight is that I have this feeling of that I’m not complete. Something is missing inside of me. I don’t know what it is. But the last few days I get this feeling when I think of everything in my life and it makes me anxious and gives me this sick feeling inside like I’m guilty of something or I have something to hide. It’s troubling me a lot. Whatever this feeling is it seems to be taking control of me. For instance when I was with my girlfriend yesterday I just suddenly got really frustrated and angry and ended up taking it out on her ending in a silly fight that meant nothing. I don’t even know why I was frustrated and angry but it just built up inside of me and I only really let out a quarter of that anger out. I think I just don’t let out my feelings enough. Then they build up like a bottle inside of me and then I either have days where I don’t talk to anyone and write about it to myself or I take it out on my parents or people closest to me like my girlfriend. I hope whatever this is that it goes away because I have great things to look forward to in the next couple of weeks.

On a happier note I have exciting things to look forward to like I said. I’m going to Melbourne on Tuesday to stay at my aunties for a night and on the Wednesday going into the city to see ‘One Day In Pompey’. Shall be good. I will be studying it in Ancient History next year so it will give me a good outlook because I really don’t know much about it.
Thennnnnnn! On Wednesday night I fly out from Melbourne at 11pm or something to go to Vietnam for 12days :D I can’t wait! I have never been overseas before. I wasn’t really excited about going at all last week but now that I have seen a few pictures from people that have gone there, it looks really nice. I will put heaps of pictures up when I come back and write about what we did. (We* my parents and I).

P.S - I love tiffany :)